Memories, march 1995

Life Goes On…..

What do you do when your spouse passes away.

How do you handle the kids? blacky has the story to share with..

“Our wedding was rather romantic, we got married on Valentine’s Day in 1991. My wife was a journalist with a local English daily. For three years life was hectic but fun. Then in 1994 my life changed when we had a beautiful baby boy. Somehow it didn't feel like a family until my son came along. He made our life seem perfect. I enjoyed being a dad. We went everywhere together, my wife, my son and I. It was a new experience.”

But nine months later without any warning whatsoever, life turned topsy-turvy. Out of the blue my wife collapsed. I knew she was asthmatic but that was not the problem. I rushed her to the hospital and she was immediately admitted to the emergency wad. She was in coma for three days

“The doctor explained to me that there was internal bleeding caused by her second pregnancy but they couldn’t operate until her blood pressure had stabilised. They tried to stabilised it but it just went down, and down until it reached zero. She passed away at the age 29.

It was devastated. My mind went blank. I couldn’t believe she was gone. I felt that she was still around. When I was in our house, I felt as though she was there, I felt that if I called out she would respond. I thought I saw her in the living room, in the kitchen, everywhere.

“I couldn’t do anything and I couldn’t think of anything except my son. I felt restless and I quit my job. I lived just for my son. He was always with me. Wherever I went, I took him with me. He was a gift from my wife. It was my responsibility to look after him. I felt that I should always be with my son.

“A month later, I was finally able to bring myself to sort out my wife’s thing. I found her diary and there was a note for me. What she had written surprised me. If she were to leave this world first, she wanted me to promise that I would look after our son until he was an adult. If I were to go first, she promised to do the same. Did she know what was going to happen? Maybe, I think she couldn’t bear telling me or her parents.

“I am lucky to have very understanding and caring in-laws. They treat me like their own family members even though Azlina is no longer around. My concerned in-law wanted me to live with them, as my own both parents has passed away since I was kid, and I agreed as I felt sorry for my mother-in-law. Now, she takes care of my son. I am thankful that she is around to help me and I believe she is happy to be able to spend time with my son as he is the only link she has left to her daughter.

“My father-in-law advised me starting work again and try not to think of Azlina all the time. After much thought I took his advice and started to do my job back. At first I was thinking to join back the Airline Industry which I have an experience in the Avionics, and when I figure out the jobs, its hard for me to continue coz it takes more link to outbound jobs,

Because I need to be close with my son. Then I decided to set a publishing company which is to far from my experience. I’ve met few good friends and I ask them to assist me and they agreed to help me. Then I took up photography interest which part of my favorite line and there we managed to published a local English magazine.

It’s been nine months since she has passed away and I still think of her. But I am stronger now. I know I cannot just think of her all the time. Each time I look at my son, I feel stronger. If I don’t have him. I would have gone away somewhere outside KL, maybe to a kampong or overseas. My life would be totally different.

Right now my son is the centre of my life. I take him to all the places I used to go with my wife and I keep a book of my wife’s momentos-her writing, her photos, etc. I intend to show it to my son when he grows up and tell him all about his mother.

“I spend every single spare second I have with my son. After work, no matter what, I have to go back home to him. Even if there are meetings or friends invite me to a football match with them. I still say no. I must go back home. Everyone is getting used to this, so now they tell me to bring my son along. Even for meetings!

“My friend and relative keep suggesting that I remarry. They have even tried to fix me up with a few girls, If it is fated, then it will happen. But right now, I don’t plan to remarry. Maybe later, much later when my son has grown up. All that is on my mind is his and my future.

Now I am very happy, all my pass life have made me a true life of being a single parent. Till now I'm just as I am now. I manage to run a publishing company and also a consultants for a corporates management firm which is far from my professional career. I have the only son which can share together as a father, son and like a friend. Now he is 15 years old and I have my own business and it will be a step forward not backward...

I grew up in a small town, which I started up my life. I found myself completely cut off from my village, both culturally and geographically. Around that time my grandparents died and my mother was getting sick of her diabetes. The legends and traditions and folklore of my village were being lost. Meanwhile, here in 21st Century, imaging and trying to remember those things. The act of trying to remember those things, the act of trying to remember and the act of creating began overlap. And that is the reason, our childhood times will not be forgotten.

At those years I remember, how peacefully if we walks, jogging with a fresh air as the buzzing of bees’s wings and bird’s singing. Perhaps now we can see people rushing as early in the morning to their destination.

Most of us when we grow older and older we become more mature in life. I can say that our childhood time is the most interesting days. Imagine if someone who invent a time machine. We can go back to our childhood times. But, for today’s generations there are lucky. With the new tech of technology such as computers, internet, digital cams and sophisticated handphone access they can record their past with just a second,. How lucky there are now.

I can see a beautiful trees, coconut trees all kind of wooden houses those days when we go to other village. The breezing of the air, the beauty of the waterfall and river. Compared with now is so much different. With all the hugh buildings, high raise condos, highways, with the cars lorries and basses on the road, racing each other without thinking of safety for others people. Well anyway, year after years is the development for our country, as long as they keep the natural beauty and part of our historic places, awareness about the natural environment, if we were not careful, would be lost as they were in many in developed nations of today.

The most interesting and exciting places, which I play football, were the Selangor Padang.(now is Dataran Merdeka). Most of the people will go there after works and watch football game or Cricket. If there is a cricket tournament, the field will be crowded with peoples who loved to watch the game, and with every game, even football and tennis. I really missed that, now the places has been more like a commercial place, too many entertainment then sports activity nowdays.

During the sixties, when I was 13 years old then, I remember my teacher organise a camping trip to Port Dickson. There we can see the beauty of the beach, experiencing to be independent and self-motivation. I was chosen to be the leader of the groups, there we organized all kind of activities and water sports, and of course while some of the students enjoy their swimming and our teachers will observe for our safety. I still remember the mak chik carrying a “Bakul” and shouted “Goreng pisang, Goreng pisang”, and all kind of “Kuih muih”. And also the ice cream men, which one of my favourite ice cream , I call it the “Mangkok Tingkat double with a durian flavour. Later in the evening, all the students have to come back to the camps and everyone will relax while waiting for dinner at nights. After dinner some of us reading storybook, playing chess and board games, wile others debate among themselves, while me writing a poems whatever cross in my mind.

Early in the morning, we prepare to pack our camping gears and everyone tidy up the camping area, to make sure that we don’t leave any rubbish, which being thought by our disciplinary teacher. (On the way back by bus), we stop at the town to have a quick lunch and there I still remember the old town of Port Dickson and the remote wooden valley which now the village become a modern town. At that time it was so beautiful and nice scenery, and now we can see to many hotels & resorts. I could never forget and really enjoyed the trip and thanks to my teachers, and now I felt I was able to satisfy my act of going into the mountain forest at night and sleeping among the trees with sense of security which I could never find indoors.

“Times stop when all this dream is over,
Loneliness..in no more filtering moments..gone,
The real world has no need for stars go..

Only me..for going farther on..
The heart comes to believing..

As far goes...and words, never said...

Farther out-Farther in-Farther out”

(lyrics from the Album "Kazu Matsui")

cit..cat!!ing